Jasper's arrival and departure

Where do I begin.....July 4th I knew Jasper had not been moving near as much as he was just a couple of days ago. On Thursday he did not move at all. I came home from work and told Jim that if i did not feel him move throughout the night we would need to call Dr. Boyd first thing in the morning. So after a sleepless night of drinking juice and trying to get a response from Jasper we decided to call Dr. Boyd ASAP. I forgot that Dr. Boyd was off for a few days because of the 4th of July so I left a message on her answering service who informed me that she was not on call but would have the on call doctor call ASAP. Well low and behold Dr. Boyd called herself. She had told her answering service that if I should call for any reason that they were to call her immediately. So I got a quick call back from Dr. Boyd who told me her office was closed and to go to Dr. Albert our specialist or L&D and then to have the hospital or Albert call her back and let her know what was going on. So I called Dr. Albert and he of course welcomed us right away. We went into his office and he did a sono and immediately we saw Jasper had a heart beat which gave me comfort that he was still holding on. During the sono Jasper did not move at all and Dr. Albert did several test on his heart beat. He could not get response from him either. He thought Jasper was not going to make it thru the weekend and that we have come all this way that if we wanted to spend anytime with him that we needed to go ahead and deliver. The fetal hydrops had literally taken over his little body in the last couple of weeks...not to mention I was full of amniotic fluid. Jim and I wanted to hold and comfort him as he departed from this world so off to Labor and Delivery we went which was around 10am. So we began to call all the family and made arrangements for the kids to be picked up from school and brought to the hospital. We also called our good friend Jeannie who was going to take pics for us in the delivery room. Everything worked out just as it should. The earliest we could get in for a csection was 3 o clock which worked out perfectly in getting all our family to Plano for the delivery. It just gave us a little time to think and to prepare everyone. Once Jim knew I was in great hands with the staff at the hospital he headed home to grab clothes and let the kids know that later a family friend would be picking them up and bringing them to the hospital for Jasper's delivery. So while Jim was away I got prepped for the upcoming surgery. I was actually fairly calm at this point...I just knew in my heart that everything would work out the way it should and God would take care of us as he had up until this point. Around 2 everyone in our family started arriving. They gave us a huge suite so all our family could wait comfortably. Once everyone got there Dr. Boyd came in to chat with us for a bit. Then the chaplain came in and we had a family prayer. Around 3:20 pm I then had to make the long walk to the OR with my nurse to get further prepped while Jim and Jeannie got suited up for the delivery. I held it together pretty well until I had to make that long walk....the walk I have thought about for MONTHS....it was here right in front of me. No going back just one foot in front of the other...which I have practiced over and over as we have walked this journey with Jasper. I was nervous and scared and started to throw up. My nerves were rattled and when you don't have any more options you tend to panic a little bit. I had to get an epidural which seemed a breeze compared to what we were about to go thru. I just kept praying and praying that God would guide us thru this moment and give us a few minutes with Jasper. Once they got me prepped I was joined by Jim. Both of us held it together the best we could...we wanted to be brave for our little guy who we have so desperately wanted to meet. Finally the time had come when they pulled Jasper out he was startled but never cried. The doctors gave him to the nurse who quickly checked for a heart beat which she shook her head there was none. She quickly wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to Jim who brought him to me. We held him together...and he flinched. So we told the nurse and she ran over and he had a faint heart beat. I think he just needed to hear our voices and feel our touch like we needed to feel him. He then stayed with us for about 15 min. He was so sweet, tough, and a fighter. We just talked to him and told him everything was going to be fine and how brave he was to make this journey to us. We kissed and held him until he passed. He was beautiful and had a beautiful soul that we will never forget. Jim then took Jasper to meet the rest of our waiting family. It was difficult for Jim to walk into the room and tell everyone that Jasper had flown away to be with God...but he did. He was soooo brave and gentle. I joined everyone a few minutes later. The kids adored him and inspected every inch of his little body. Everyone was very calm and it was just very peaceful. Then we kicked everyone out so Jim and I could spend some time with him by ourselves. The hardest part was having to let them come and get Jasper and take him to the morgue. That was when we somewhat lost it. You know in your mind that it is just his body but it is also your child and you want to be with him at all times. It is hard to make that leap when his body is so tangible right in front of you and his soul is so intangible in many ways. So Jim waited with him while they came up to get him and they took me to my hospital room. I honestly did not think I could watch them take him away. I knew in my heart that I would want more time with him and any time I had on this earth would never be enough. The whole experience was the most spiritual, beautiful, saddest moment I have ever witnessed. Everything happened just as it should. We have a heartache that will not stop hurting and we will learn to live with it. God will take care of us as he has. It was pretty hard at the hospital and watching my body do all the things it was supposed to after having a baby...just no baby. it was hard to wrap my mind around what all had happened and how fast it happened. I had a wonderful staff at the hospital and I will write about that soon. Once I get the pictures uploaded from his service I will post those as well. Until then Jim and I made a slideshow we showed at Jasper's service. We sat up the Monday before his service and put it together from the pictures Jeannie took. We are doing ok....just trying to cope with an emptiness that will never be filled. I guess we will learn to live with it. I dont think one day will ever go by where I dont imagine what he would be doing, be like, or look like.  My sweet Jasper.