Approaching the 24wk milestone!!

So we are approaching 24 wks (which will be Monday the 30^th).  As we have gotten closer to this milestone I have been very emotional.  This is the week that we said if we would make it this far we would start talking to the dr.’s I have mentioned before.  We would have to come up with a prenatal plan, birthing plan, and after birth plan for Jasper.  This is the week if we made it past that we would go ahead and plan a funeral for Jasper.  This is the week that we would start talking to the kids pediatricians, NICU drs, pediatric neurologist, and hospice.  This is the week we become one week closer to the end/beginning of our journey.  This is the week maybe in the back of my mind I thought we would never make it to.  This is a milestone that we kept being told we need to wait until we reach before we needed to really worry with making difficult decisions.  I am not going to lie…I thought the decisions we have already had to make were pretty difficult…and I know that the ones we have in our future will be more difficult.  I know all of you are praying for a miracle and I thank you for that.  I have been praying that whatever God’s purpose is will be revealed in time.  I want to make sure our journey is not in vain.  I still have not questioned God on WHY this has happened.  I think deep down I already know why.  If we want to blame someone…we can blame Adam and Eve for disobeying God and letting sin and disease into our world.  So when I am a little angry I blame those two!!! J  I know that if God wants to perform a miracle on Jasper he can….but I also have the raw truth of knowing that this world has suffering and really sad things happen to people and God in turn will make something good come out of it.  I think I have accepted the journey God has given me…I don’t like it…I don’t have to like it…but I have accepted it.  I also know that we will get thru this because we have hope of eternity.  We know that if Jasper does not live we will see him again one day.  It will not and does not make it hurt any less…and I know there will be days in my near future where I am not sure I am going to make it.  The reality of the night before we will go in for a c-section haunts me.  Will I even be able to breath, how will I be able to close my eyes for the night, will the anxiety of the next day give me a heart attack, will I be inconsolable, or will I have a calmness and peacefulness about me, or will I be a basket case of emotions.  I am going to guess the latter…lol.  I also realize that this could be a lot worse.  Everything we are given in this earthly world is a gift and they can be taken away at anytime.  I have always lived with a healthy fear of God and I know that everything I own and cherish could be gone in a second.  All I have is not mine to keep…and I am thankful for EVERYTHING I HAVE.   I tend to be a control freak so that concept at times can be quite the struggle.  I want to thank everyone for their continued support and prayers….especially the families who have taken on this burden with us.  A lot of the families that have supported us have children Chayse and Jude’s age.  Kids are very observant and if Jasper passes these families will have to answer really hard questions from those children.  These friends and families will be affected in many ways and will be forced to deal with really hard subjects that they did not know they would be facing a few months ago.  I just want to thank you again and I will pray that you too will have the words and knowledge to answer these tough questions!!  We are so blessed to have you in our lives!!



 



Chayse and Jim at the Daddy Daughter Dance